Duncan Cross issues a challenge of sorts for people to write about "who would you be without your illness". The rationale he proposes is as follows:
There’s a lot of emphasis in our community about staying positive, looking towards the future, optimism, et cetera – all of which has merit. But too much deliberate cheeriness denies us the ability to think and talk about what we’ve lost to our illnesses. We lose our ability to grieve for the person we wished to be, which seems to me an important part of adjusting to our circumstances.
For me thinking about the things I've lost is difficult. I have a great deal of enthusiasm and energy, but my pain prevents me from doing the things I want to do. It's like a weight that is dragging me down. However I prefer to think of the ways in which my illness has made me a better person. Should I get well - and I do hope I will get better, maybe not 100% but better nonetheless - I believe my self improvement will benefit me. Without limitations it is easy for people to lose perspective. I think a healthy me would be more arrogant and less patient. I've learned the value of quietude and balance. It may seem strange, but illness has taught me to listen more to other people where I may have just dismissed them before. I also find that I do a better job of distinguishing what is important and what isn't. Things that would have been a big deal in the past, I no longer bother with if they don't really matter. It falls under the category of "don't sweat the small stuff!" It's easy to say that, but learning the lesson and instilling it deeply in one's psyche isn't so simple.
All in all I am still me though. I have not allowed my illness to change the deep fundamentals of my personality. I still care about people and the world around me. I still enjoy community, problem solving, and the sensual pleasures of food, rest, music, beauty... I still tend get in trouble (especially with women!) when I put my foot in my mouth trying to be "helpful!" Perhaps this is the same deliberate cheeriness Mr. Cross decries, but I see no sense in crying too much over what is lost. Of course we all have times of need for someone to listen to us rail at the world, at the pain, the difficulty, the unfairness of it all. Ultimately we are molded by illness as by any other experience and we must find our peace with our circumstances if we are to reach a place of healing...
Obviously illness is not a good thing, and I hope for wellness for myself and anyone else who suffers. However, I do believe that illness gives us an opportunity to become better people, and should we be fortunate enough to get better with time, I hope we won't forget the lessons we've learned in the process of being sick.
